Python Panic
May 9, 2008
Instead of adding a numeral on the end of the film's title to distinguish it as the next in a lucrative -- but artistically devoid -- franchise, movie big-wigs could just relocate Samuel L. Jackson to the post office in German city of Darmstadt, which grabbed headlines on Friday, May 8.
Calling the next installment "Snakes in a Box," Sam Jackson would again play FBI agent Neville Flynn who is working undercover as a Deutsche Post employee in Darmstadt. Instead of protecting a witness on a plane, as he did in the film, Flynn could be protecting a post office worker who has vital information on a local crime lord who is shipping in out-of-date kebab meat through the branch before distributing it across eastern Germany.
To add some kind of credibility, the film could be sold with the tagline: Based on a (Nearly) True Story.
Taking its core premise from the events which actually happened in the eastern German city on Friday, Jackson's character Fritz could be the guy who discovered a package containing three live pythons; two tiger pythons and an albino tiger python of more than 3 feet (1 meter) in length.
Three pythons sent through German postal system
The post office worker -- who would provide the basis for Jackson's character -- noticed one of the reptiles after it had apparently bit its way through the package. Assisted by a number of colleagues, he managed to catch it and put it into an empty box. The other two pythons were discovered by police who soon arrived at the scene. All three were then taken to a reptile house.
Police say they have put the package's sender under investigation for possible violation of animal protection laws.
Of course, there would have to be a little artistic license involved in the Hollywood version. Fritz and the potential whistle-blower could be working late alone at the depot when the snakes break out, intent on killing both of them and removing any threat to the crime lord's rancid meat empire. Trying to escape, the Deutsche Post workers find that all the doors have been locked -- and, to no one's surprise -- neither has a key.
Cue two hours of predictable plot twists, minimal scares and lots of close-ups of Sam Jackson wrestling obviously plastic snakes and there's a Hollywood blockbuster in the waiting.